October 9th to 15th is Infant Loss Awareness week and it’s all about breaking the silence and raising awareness. You are not Alone. So, I thought I would share the story of my own miscarriage. I haven’t really ever talked about it much but if this post helps just one person mourn the loss of their baby and feel like they are not alone, then it was worth sharing.
They say 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage but J and I never thought it would happen to us! We didn’t know anyone else to have had one either.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, my eldest was 9 months old and I had a little feeling that I might be pregnant so I did a home test. I was shocked at the positive test and also a little panicked as it wasn’t planned. I don’t deal very well with ‘unplanned’. I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope with another child. (To this day I feel guilty for having these feelings as a little piece of me thinks that my baby died feeling unwanted). J was over the moon which eased my fears and we quickly got into the idea of being parents again.
We were all checked in and had seen our mid wife and then came the day for our 12 week scan. We were excited at the thought of seeing our baby for the first time. We knew something was wrong when they turned the screen so we couldn’t see it. I felt a stab to my heart and I felt J’s hand tighten in mine, he felt what I felt. They said they were sorry that my baby had stopped growing and they couldn’t find a heart beat. I broke down in tears and tried to take in what the sonographer was saying to me. Something about a Mis miscarriage. I still don’t really understand what this is. I was booked to go back for another scan 7 days later. A WHOLE 7 days, I knew it would feel like a life time.
2 days after the first scan, I began miscarry. Adding to my heart break, now I knew my baby was really gone. The scan in 5 days had given me false hope that they might find a baby, a heart beat. I fainted due to the heavy blood loss and was taken to hospital in an ambulance. All the Doctors and Nurses kept telling me it wasn’t my fault, it’s natures way of saying something wasn’t quite right genetically and if my baby survived, it may not have had a healthy life or would be severely disabled. I know they meant to comfort me but it didn’t, I was mourning my baby. It felt so demeaning to hear the Doctors call my baby ‘product’ or a ‘fetus’. To me it wasn’t any of those things it was my baby. I know we didn’t get to hold or even see our baby but to J and I it was still a little life we had created.
A week later I had to return to the hospital to have an operation to remove what was left of my baby as my stupid body couldn’t do it on it’s own. Another failure from me. This is how I felt. I felt like I had let my baby, my husband and my first born down by not being able to protect and grow my baby. I also thought it was because the baby felt unwanted because of my first feelings. There was no one around to talk to who really understood. To others it was just another miscarriage, people have them all the time, it wasn’t really a baby. But it was, it was my baby, my husbands baby and my daughter’s younger sibling.
This was 9 years ago now and I still think what sex my baby may have been or who it would’ve looked like. Every year we pass that baby’s due date and I think about how old they would be now. Time has been a healer and 2 years later our youngest daughter was born, fit and healthy. She is our rainbow baby.
If you’ve ever been through infant loss or are going through it now, I hope it’s a comfort to you to know that you are not alone and you have every right to feel angry, heart broken and mourn the loss of your baby. I know it hurts right now but when your ready, there is life after a miscarriage and I hope you have your rainbow baby. xxx